Thursday, June 01, 2006

Horrible Crone

My next door neighbor is horrible. She has a beautiful home and garden, which my apartment looks out over. She stands in the yard and SCREAMS abusively at the gardener for hours, every day. At least, I thought it was the gardener. The reason I thought this is because he never talks back and he's always there, so I assumed that he must be getting paid a handsome wage to put up with the crone. Imagine how horrified I was when I found out that he's her husband. I'd had no idea. Honestly believed he was at least getting a paycheck to be able to tolerate her.

So, I'm getting reeeaaallly tired of her, and I'm trying to figure out a way for me to politely explain to her that her abusive language is actually bothering me, if not her husband. Don't underestimate the volume of her yelling. It is LOUD.

I considered showing up at her house with a fruit basket or something, and having a nice friendly chat along the lines of: "Hello, I brought you a fruit basket. Say, I don't know if you realize, but I can hear you yelling at the gardener as if you were in my living room. You probably didn't realize how abusive you sound, either. It sounds just awful. He's a person too, please take time to think about that. Oh, that's not the gardener? That's your husband? Oh dear, how embarrassing. I didn't mean to embarrass you like that. better be going now. enjoy the fruit basket!"

But the problem is that her house is like a fortress and I'm not even sure where the front door is, and considering that she is a movie star, I don't know for sure that she would even open the front door if I could find it and knocked on it.

My second idea is to stand at the gate of the garden and wait for her to come out. Or, when I hear her yelling, I could go out there and yell through the gate to get her attention. "HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER YOUR OWN YELLING? YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I BROUGHT YOU A FRUIT BASKET!" Because you know when "Hello, I brought you a fruit basket" sounds really friendly? When it's screamed at the top of your lungs through a security gate.

My third idea is to yell at her out of my living room window. And since I'll be yelling, and we've already established that yelling doesn't sound friendly, I might as well yell obscenities at her, right? Which goes against my normally peace-loving nature.

I could write her a letter, but I'm not sure she would open it. She probably has hired help that does that for her.

So, I just don't know. Post a comment with your opinion, please.

For those of you who are feeling like getting all Judge Mental on me, I will soon post an audio clip of her yelling, and you will be horrified. I guarantee it.

this is an audio post - click to play

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