Saturday, March 28, 2009

Every day, I mean hour, is Earth Day, I mean Hour

People: Hi Earth.

Earth: Hi people.

People: We thought you’d like to know that we’re throwing a party, an environmentally-conscious party, in your honor tonight.

Earth: I love parties! And I think I know the occasion, right? It must be time for Earth Day!

People: Well, it’s called Earth Hour, and how it works is –

Earth, interrupting: Hour? Did you say Earth Hour?

People: Right, from 8:30 to 9:30 tonight, we’re going to turn off all “non-essential” lights.

Earth: That’s it? I thought you said it was a party!

People: Well, yeah. We’ll be flying in environmentally friendly party decorations from Micronesia. It’s to raise awareness of the difference we all can make. You look offended. I probably didn’t make it very clear. It’s a really great event. We do it every year, since 2007. This year it’s sponsored by Coca-Cola.

Earth: Well, I’m glad you could spare one hour of the eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours I give you each year, spinning on my axis. I used to get a whole day! Now you Twitter-addicted people have an attention span that is so short that you’ve traded Earth Day for one measly hour?!?

People: Earth, We honestly don’t know why you’re giving us this attitude. We’re taking time out of our days to make a difference, and this is the thanks we get.

Earth: Let me ask you, why now, why tonight?

People: It’s Saturday night, so it’s not going to interrupt a lot of business to shut a few lights off. No school. It’s really the most convenient time for everyone.

Earth: And, it’s just lights? You’re not asking anyone to cut their power completely?

People: Hm, interesting suggestion. Well, we’d have to keep the Coke cold at all times. No, we were just going to do lights. But you’re right, it’s not like there’s anything on TV at that time, and now that our phones and laptops are wireless, I bet no one would really even notice Earth Hour was happening…we could all participate without even trying and then talk about what a huge difference we made…well, maybe next year. Right now it’s just lights. Maybe next year we could voluntarily shut our lights off between 1 and 2 am. We’ll probably get even more participation that way!

Earth: 8:30pm. Well, I suppose it would be amusing to see all the strip clubs shut down for an hour.

People: We can’t ask people to close their businesses! Especially not ones that serve Coca-Cola!

Earth: oh, please, the strip clubs can stay open with their lights out. They can put the ugly girls on during that hour.

People: Well, we’re only asking for non-essential lights to be shut off. Essential lights, like the ones spotlighting our celebrity guests and our sponsors, will of course, remain on.

Earth: celebrity guests?

People: yes, to help raise awareness!

Earth: Is there anyone who is not aware that shutting lights off saves energy? Since energy costs money, I think you people are already properly motivated to turn off “non-essential” lights.

People: Earth, puh-leeze. You’re such a party pooper. Why can’t you let us adore our celebrities and drink our Cokes while we say things like “There is only one race, the human race.” It makes us feel so good. And if you don’t approve, it just means you don’t get it.

Earth: I think you don’t get it. Every hour is Earth hour.

People, in a high-pitched tone: “Oh, look at me, I’m the Earth, the whole world revolves around me.” Why can’t you get on board with this? We have to have Earth hour in order to encourage people to think about you more often. It’s raising –

Earth: Please do not use that “awareness” word again. If your only goal is to raise awareness, then the worst thing that could happen is someone is not aware of something. I’m here to tell you that there are plenty worse things that could happen if you don’t start paying attention to me, and plenty of actual quantifiable goals that are much more important than raising general awareness.

People: So, are you coming to the party tonight?

Earth: No.

People, pouting: Fine. Who needs you, anyway?

Earth: That’s a good question.


David Wallace Croft said...

That was pretty good. You should consider writing a book.

Shannon Kristine Croft said...

Funny! Ever heard of Human Achievement Hour? It's on at the same time as Earth Hour and it is when you celebrate your favorite modern invention, such as the light bulb, by using it.


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